Stories, comments, poems, and book reviews by and about Aloysius Katz, a.k.a. Aloysius Pangur Ban, M.F.A. (Master of Feline Arts). Featuring: Great Feline Authors, Into the Litter Box, and Darcy Xenophon.
Mpls. Star Tribune "Pet Central"--where are the cats?
Today the humans opened up their newspaper and found a big promotion for Pet Central.
Welcome | Pet Central: "The Star Tribune and TC Dog joined forces to create Star Tribune Pet Central. Star Tribune Pet Central's sole purpose is to celebrate the bond between people and their pets by bringing the finest writers and experts together to educate and entertain animal lovers throughout the Twin Cities."
The editor of the section, Cheri Moon, says that she used to foster homeless kittens, so I know she must love cats as much as she loves dogs. Well, almost. But the first edition of Pet Central is almost all about dogs. That just isn't fair to us cats, or to the millions of catted humans who care for us.
I gave up my email address and left a comment for Cheri, in the hope that she will rectify this situation. If you're a cat-lover (and I assume you are--otherwise why would you be reading this?) just go on over there and leave a comment for Cheri. (Registration required.)
Barny was rescued when he was just a tiny kitten, and he's now breaking all the stray cat rules!
You may have seen this--It's been bouncing around the web in various versions since at least 1998--but it was new to us. amanuensis' sister sent it to us, after her daughter sent it to her. I think there's a message here, somewhere.
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
Stray cats will not be fed.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".
Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.
Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
Stray cats will sleep outside.
Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
Stray cats will sleep in the house.
Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
Stray cats will not play on the desk.
Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hbdm9lo9jUSING IT.
Let's hope all the homeless cats find kind humans, whether or not they're allowed to play on the computer. But if they can't play on the computer, how will the get aboard the Friday Ark? Let alone the Carnival of the Cats, which is hosted this coming Sunday at Scratching Post.
More proof that those sneaky little tree rats are taking over my thingpoddy:
the skwib » The Carnival of Satire (#81): "Aloysius is rightly concerned about the Black squirrel cult invasion of Minneapolis. As anyone who has read John Hodgman’s The Areas of My Expertise will recognize, this means the return of the hoboes. But are the squirrels black enough?"
And in case you've been living in a cave, I'll just point out that this Hodgman guy impersonates a PC on TV. But, heck, go on over to the Carnival and check it out for yourself. There's a lot more tasty writing where this came from.
You know you're going over the edge when you get your kicks by goggling around on your thingpoddy, looking for black squirrels.
I must of been in the feline spa too long. I've got fur as soft as a baby's fluff, and my mind was getting as calm at Dharma's. (Remember Dharma? That Buddhist cat who lives in my thingpoddy? He's got a new blog, by the way. Very cool. Go pay him a visit at Philosophy with Fur. ) Ah--where was I?
Oh, yeah. I don't feel right when I'm calm, so I busted out of the feline spa--not to be confused with Dragonheart's Katzenpension--only to find out that old Katz scooped me on the Black Squirrel Cult thing.
Well, I gotta tell you, that's just the tip of the proverbial iceberg: squirrels are infesting the old thingpoddy. The pesky little rodents just won't go away. I mean, how about the chocolate-stealing squirrel that's been hitting on a Finnish supermarket for weeks?
But probably the biggest squirrel invasion of the last few years is over at iLLWiLL PreSS, where you can knock yourself out watching flash cartoons about Foamy the Squirrel. Foamy is one scary squirrel. He lives with a goth woman named Germaine, and basically he likes to rant about stuff--mostly the stupid stuff that humans do. One of the tamer rants: humans did a study that proved "most accidents occur at home," and most home accidents happen in the bathroom. (Which is probably why I hate water so much, but never mind that.) A lot of the stuff Foamy rants about is full of profanity, so I wouldn't send your little humans over there. (Yeah, I know, as soon as I said that I lost all the kids under 14.) Foamy's current rant is about respect for the dead.
Old Foamy's got a plan for total world domination, too. He started a cult that worships him--called the "Foaminian Cult"--and he tries to get "donations" for his cult. He took Germaine's underwear and sold it on Ebay to raise money for his cult. He has also gone into the park to sing his "Squirrel Songs" for donations.
Foamy has a sort of sidekick, known as The Hatta (a.k.a Leroy), who is a black squirrel. Both The Hatta and Foamy have squeaky squirrel voices, but The Hatta sort of tries to sound like a stereotypical black dude. I told ya it was politically incorrect, didn't I?
Well, anyway, I'm glad to be back in town, where I can maybe get up a posse to hunt down the black squirrels. Meantime, I'm outta here.
P.S. The Bad Kitty Cats Festival of Chaos is up at Pet's Garden Blog. And do you know the theme song yet? Take that, you Black Squirrels!
Recently, we've been seeing a large number of these guys in our yard:
They look like normal squirrels, except they are black. Where are they coming from?
It turns out that, over the years, a lot of humans have become obsessed with black squirrels. Scary Squirrel World claims to document the black squirrel invasion:
Ten rare black squirrels were imported from Canada in February 1961 by Larry Woodell, superintendent of grounds, and M. W. Staples, a retired executive of the Davey Tree Expert Company. When first released, the large, black-spiked squirrels were frequently mistaken for skunks..."
So begins a sordid tale of treachery describing how black skwerlballs came to infest Kent State University in Ohio. An isolated and unexplainable act? Hardly.
The Black Squirrel Invasion (BSI), has been the subject of much speculation. Some say they originated in Canada--specifically the French-speaking provinces. Others think that the dark invaders were brought over from Europe. What strikes me, however, is the frequency of BSI's association with college athletic teams.
"Black Squirrels" has been an unofficial Haverford College (Pennsylvania) athletic identity since the late 1980's when the college baseball team noted a profusion of the mutant species around Class of 1916 Field... In 1990, the team passed out Black Squirrel T-shirts on its summer tour of Czechoslovakia and Poland, leading one professional baseball squad in the Czech Republic to become "Chorny Wewerka," Czech for "Black Squirrels." --from the Haverford Sports News
Is it just a coincidence that, not too far from where I live, the University of Minnesota has broken ground for a new football stadium? Are University officials at this moment contemplating changing the college mascot from the Golden Gopher to the Chorny Wewerka?
And why, when my human was trying to google some information about the BSI phenomenon, did the computer suddenly sieze up and present the maddening, multicolor spinning ball--the universal sign of browser distress?
Is it possible that, as Scary Squirrel World says, the Black Squirrels are seeking nothing less than world domination?
The great Oscar Wilde wrote: "Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory." We had rain all day on Saturday. I spent the day in my director's chair next to the sliding glass door, just waiting for it to open. I am still sad, thinking about the humans who died or were injured when the big bridge collapsed. The humans were listening to sad music by Keith Jarrett. I began mentally composing my epic poem about the day I caught the chipmunk.
Sing, Great Cat, the tale of Aloysius, mighty hunter of the line of Pangur Ban!
The Carnival of the Cats will be at Life from a Cat's Perspective later today. And the Bad Kitty Cat Chaos Festival will be at CatSynth, where Luna, who rules over CatSynth, has set a theme of cats and music. Like the bards of old, I will sing my epic poem.
I am very sad today, thinking about the humans who died or were hurt when the I-35W bridge fell in Minneapolis on August 1. My humans are okay, but the male human said he had driven over the bridge about four hours before it collapsed.