Catymology

Minneapolis, Minn. March 28, 2006. [Animal World Newswire.]

They had hoped for a garden wedding, but a sudden spring snowstorm dumped twelve inches of snow, forcing the state's most celebrated and vilified engaged trio to rethink their plans. "That and the unbelievers," growled Darcy Xenophon. Darcy, 8, a handsome strawberry point Siamese, had been the focus of public outcries and demonstrations from right-wing religious groups since January, when a libertarian catblogger broke the story of his engagement to his longtime human companions, Michele Duncan and Michael Kern.

On Saturday, March 18, Darcy, Michele, and Michael became the first trio to be married under the new Minnesota state statute that recognizes the right to group interspecies marriage. The Reverend Billy Cougar, who is ordained in the First Church of Catymology, presided at the wedding, which was held in an undisclosed location. Guests applauded when Reverend Cougar pronounced the trio "man, woman, and cat." A shower of catnip followed.

"We had to keep the location secret," said Michael. "There are people who want to kill us for doing this."

"Or at least pelt us with rotten dog turds," Darcy growled.

The syndicated columnist Barbara LaBelle scoffed at the thought of such a union. "First it was same-sex marriage. Then polygamy. Okay, I can get the idea of one man with two women, or one woman with two men. But a cat? Is nothing sacred?"

But that’s just the point. The Church of Catymology recognizes both the divinity of cats and their inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

"If it wasn't a union recognized in heaven, it was still a miracle that we found each other," Michele said after the ceremony. Michele is one of the few recognized feline interpreters in the state. Michael toils as a soldier of fortune in the cubicles of a public bureaucracy. According to a friend, "Alice," Darcy came to them in 2002, after Alice had rescued him from his previous human, who refused to stay home and make laps. "It was good timing. Michele had just threatened to walk out unless they adopted a cat. I think marriage is so much more permanent than adoption, don't you?"

At the reception, guests feasted on ahi tuna, smoked salmon, and picked herring, washed down with champagne and milk. Michele and Michael, who describe themselves as "old enough to make up our own minds," and Darcy, who describes himself as "god," reflected on their relationship.

"We plan to live the same way we have for the last few years," Michael said. "I used to be a dog person, by the way, until Michele brought Darcy home."

But will this marriage survive? "As long as we shell out for cat food and let Darcy sleep between us, we'll be happy,” Michele said. With that, she placed a sliver of herring on Darcy's plate.

"Herring?" scoffed Darcy. "I don't want no stinking herring."