Catymology

The Reverend Billy Cougar returned on Sunday April 16 to his home church in Minneapolis. Reportedly, he had spent a week on Isla Mujeres at the famed resort Na Balam ("Where Time, Nature, and Human are One"). Reverend Cougar first recognized the newlyweds, Darcy Xenophon, Michele Duncan, and Michael Kern. Darcy, a red-point Siamese, and his human partners sat in the front pew.

Rev. Cougar: "Today we celebrate not just another Sunday, but a momentous event in the brief history of our church: the marriage of Darcy, Michele, and Michael is blessed by the Great Cat."

Congregation: "Mow-er!" and "Amen."
.
Rev. Cougar:

Dear cats and catted ones,

Today I remind you of the two principals on which our church is founded:

The right of all humans to be catted.

The right of all cats to be sheltered, fed, and worshipped.

There can be no greater sin than the wanton destruction of our precious world. The rampant abuse and killing of cats large and small is but a part of this destruction, but it is symbolic of the ignorance and pride which have afflicted mankind. Frankly, it sickens me to mention this in this blessed house of Catymology, especially with so many children and kittens present,
but I feel I must speak out.

The death of Tango the Tiger, who was killed recently in Pine County, Minnesota, is a crime against Catymology. As you who've heard the news reports will sadly remember, Tango had been starved by his "keeper," and turned on her in desperation.

In my recent wanderings in Mexico, I communed with the spirit of the Jaguar, the great cat who was worshiped by indigenous humans throughout Central America. At Na Balam, the modern-day House of the Jaguar, I received a vision: Let Tango the Tiger be recognized as a martyr in the Church of Catymology. Let all who recognize Tango respond: "Tango lives."

Congregation: "Tango lives!"

Rev. Cougar:

I speak to you today as a human transformed. Once I was lost, but then I found the way, and that way is the way of the jaguar and the leopard, of the cougar and, yes, of felis catus, the domestic cat. It is the way of Catymology. Tango is risen!

Congregation: "Tango is risen!"

Music: Selections from Music for Cats

Rev. Cougar: The Great Cat be with you!

As the congregation left the church, Darcy Xenophon, never one to keep silent, growled: "Cat murderers! If I weren't married to these humans, I'd declare war on the entire human species."

"Now, Darcy," Michele said, rubbing Darcy between the ears. "We have to believe that our species can change."

"Agreed," Darcy responded. "But show me the tuna!"


Tags: catymology cats tigers satire