Catymology

While my bud Katz dreams of world peace, I have more, er, worldly ambitions. So, listen up, cats an’ catted ones. Run out right now and fork over your Mastercard for the top 13 gifts for cats.

1. Spray catnip! A puff of this on your ruff or your duff is sure to be a hit with any feline lover.

2. Recording of Bjork singing The Yule Cat. I’m told that this one’s virtually impossible to find, but if you do, your grateful cat will give you a big slurp on the puss.

3. Big Tuna! Big Tuna! I’m not talking about a 473 pound bluefin here (though, come to think of it, that wouldn't be bad.) What I’m talking about is the California blues band Big Tuna. Check them out.

4. Lessons in Catalan. Hey, it's a language spoken by about 12 million humans. That's nothing to sneeze at. Plus, it's super romantic. Oh, and did I mention that "mayonnaise" is derived from a Catalan word?

Sample lesson:

Hola, com estàs?
Bé, i tu?
Com és que els diàlegs per principiants sempre comencen amb "Hola, com estàs?"
No en tinc la menor idea. Eh, me n'haig d'anar. Adéu.
Adéu.

5. A night out at The Cat's Meow. What cat wouldn't want to shake his bootie at this New Orleans karaoke bar?

6. A big box of feathers. Specifically, peacock feathers. Seriously, you've gotta try 'em. Just don't eat too many, okay?

7. A Jaguar. While you're at it, hire a driver! After eating those feathers and the catnip, your feline friend will be too drunk to drive.

8. Whoa, baby! Wait a minute. You've gotta get Neil Gaiman's "Dream of One Thousand Cats," part of the Sandman series. Gaiman tells the tale of how cats once ruled the world. Gaiman has said that when people ask him to sign their copies of the book in which this story appears, often the book's been clawed by cats. "It makes me wonder if I gave away some secret cat knowledge, and the cats resent it," he said.

9. A private secretary, also know as an "amanuensis." I gotta say, without my amanuensis, I wouldn't be the well-travelled, educated, and fun-loving feline that I am. In fact, it's doubtful that I would exist at all. Every cat should have an amanuensis.

10. A puppy. Seriously, you won't be sorry if you get your feline companion a puppy. Just be sure to get a dog that's smart enough to know who's boss. As Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer, once said: "The dog must learn to be subservient to the cat."

11. Director's chair. We have a lot of those collapsible chairs around our house, and Katz and I prefer to sit in them above all other chairs. Just make sure the dog stays off them, okay?

12. Swing dance lessons, so your feline pal can be a real Hep Cat.

13. A cat blog, of course. As our friend Zeus has pointed out, some humans think pet blogs are stupid. We have to overwhelm these humans with proof of our intelligence, humor, and grace. And the best way to do that, IMHO, is to create more blogs about pets.

I'm outta here!

Darcy X

Tags: catymology cats Thursday Thirteen